When I watched The Avengers: Infinity War for the first time last week, I wasn’t prepared for how much the movie would teach me. (And yes, that’s only 65% sarcasm.)
10 life-saving lessons in particular stuck out to me. Being the generous person that I am, I have decided to share my newly gained wisdom with the rest of you. You’re welcome. One never knows when the rules of how to survive in a superhero universe comes in handy. And should you ever find yourself in such a universe, ignore my advice at your own risk.
Now, without further ado, here they are, vague spoilers included:
10 Lessons I Learned By Watching The Avengers: Infinity War
1. If I am an obvious Slytherin™ with no back-up and have been surrounded by the enemy, and consider taking the most Gryffindor-ish action possible, I will remember that such actions only ever work for foolish Gryffindors™ and plot-protected characters. I will sneak off the ship while everyone is busy with said foolish Gryffindor™ instead.
2. I will not make promises regarding dates and dinner reservations if I am a Superhero™. The universe itself will take this as a personal challenge, and frankly, I should know better.
3. If I live in a world, in which the existence of aliens, space-traveling Superheroes™, etc. has been proven, I will ensure that my Standard Superhero/Supervillain/Antihero/Unimportant Bystander™ Kit For Beginners™ includes the equipment an average person needs to survive for six months, if they were to be randomly dropped off on an uninhabited planet at the far end of the galaxy. There is no excuse to not be prepared for such an occurrence.
4. Flip phones are virtually indestructible and will therefore be part of my Standard Superhero/Supervillain/Antihero/Unimportant Bystander™ Kit For Beginners™. Any allies, friends, potential love interests, and other people I’d like to contact during the impending end of the world will receive one as well.
5. When everyone agrees that the Evil Villain™ should not get his hands on The Ultimate Weapon™, I will not hand said Ultimate Weapon™ over as soon as one of my loved ones is threatened, unless I have already decided to join the Evil Villain™ in his quest.
Should this not be an acceptable course of action, I will either
a) use the Ultimate Weapon™ to free my loved ones and or defeat the Evil Villain™
b) destroy the Ultimate Weapon™ immediately or
c) kill my loved one quickly and painlessly before the Evil Villain™ can use them against me.
- Addition 1: If I don’t have the stomach to go through with options a), b) and c) should the situation demand it, I will quit my work as a Superhero™ immediately, and either become an Antihero™ with my own agenda or fall back into the role of an Unimportant Bystander™.
- Addition 2: Any team member, ally, friend, potential love interest or stranger who wavers in the face of a threat against myself or someone else they care about, will preferably be killed immediately. Should this not be possible for practical, plot-related or moral reasons, they will not under any circumstances receive possession of the Ultimate Weapon™ ever.
6. If I want to question the Evil Villain™ on the whereabouts of my potential love interest, significant other, partner, sibling, parent, friend or another relevant being, I will wait until such a time, when said Evil Villain™ is properly secured and contained.
- Addition 1: This also goes for any Evil Henchmen™, Antiheroes™ and people whose allegiance I’m uncertain off.
7. If I am a plot-protected character, I will not worry about ridiculous things, such as my possible immediate and violent death. I am a plot-protected character for a reason.
- Addition 1: I will also not waste everyone’s time attempting to sacrifice myself, as the plot-protection will kick in and inevitably kill someone else in my stead at the last possible second.
8. If I have a Powerful Device™ that allows me to see the future, I will use said device. I will then do everything in my power to ensure that the future I prefer comes to pass, and share the necessary knowledge with the necessary people.
- Addition 1: Should my death be an inevitable part of my preferred future, I will not die with an unnecessary dramatic line as my last words, unless this truly is the only way to ensure my preferred future comes to pass. Otherwise a sarcastic quip or a heart-felt “Fuck you,” directed at my killer will suffice.
- Addition 2: If the Powerful Device™ allows me to control time, I will use it to my advantage as needed.
9. If a known Evil Villain™, Evil Henchman™ or another person whose allegiance I am uncertain of states or implies that one of their own has died, and I have not seen this death with my own eyes, I will not believe them.
- Addition 1: Instead I will expect the supposed dead to lurk in the shadows and attack from an unexpected side. I will adjust my plans accordingly.
- Addition 2: If there is a single being in this universe capable of creating illusions, mind-confusing spells, reshaping reality or similar talents, I will not believe a proclaimed death from anyone without concrete proof, even if I’ve witnessed said death with my own eyes.
- Addition 3: If a being has successfully faked their death before, I will expect them to do it again.
10. If another being of sound mind is willing to sacrifice themselves for the Greater Good™, they are not being pressured into this decision, and I’ve deemed this the most practical way to achieve the Greater Good™, I will allow them to sacrifice themselves. I will not go to ridiculous lengths to keep a single being alive in the face of a global, universal or multi-versal crisis. Instead I will sincerely thank them for their sacrifice, and proceed to go through with said sacrifice.
- Addition 1: If I have joined the Dark Side™, pressure is an acceptable method to convince said being of the necessity of their sacrifice. Similarly, a sincere “thank you,” though polite, is not necessary.
[This list should be considered an evolving work in progress, not a conclusive list written in stone. It is open to change, additions, and clarification among other things.]
But despite — or maybe because of — these lessons, you should really give the movie a shot, if you haven’t seen it yet. The Avengers: Infinity War offers a mad, but scarily reasonable sounding villain, a lot of snark, high stakes, a gun that actually does go off (as well as one that doesn’t), and the usual threat of the end of the world as we know it.
And if you have watched the movie, I’d love to chat with you about it in the comments!! (Sadly I suspect my friends are getting tired of discussing the same topic every day. I know, I think they’re crazy too.) And if you have any lessons to add, I’d love to hear them!
a.k.a. the one who has a slight obsession with the MCU and its snarky occupants